navigating conflict with tarot

hello, friends. i've shared a few newsletters already this month about viewing our connecting with the tarot cards as a relationship (check out my essay on falling in (and out) of love with tarot, a set of new tarot spreads featuring relationship songs, and my essay on sexy friction — which includes discounts that expire tonight!). and today, i want to offer some more thoughts on the value of navigating conflict with the tarot, as well as a few ways to start actually doing it.

but first — why the hell is this important?

i think sometimes when we idealize relationships with people (lovers, friends, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, etc), we often imagine them as smooth sailing. no conflict, no arguments, no difficult discussions: we think about smiles and laughter and joy, inside jokes and easy intimacy, physical chemistry and deep safety and rich care, being able to be messy and vulnerable without fear.

and listen, those are beautiful things to have in relationships, and are worthy of our desire. it's okay to not want everything to be impossible hard all the time.

but, and, also, the fantasy of "never any conflict" is both not a particularly realistic one, and is also — frankly — a little boring. not because i'm one of those people who believes that love means never having to say you're sorry or that constant bickering or fighting always makes for more interesting relationships — but because if we're never experiencing any tension with anyone, it makes me wonder how authentic we're actually being with those people.

the only people i never have tension with are the people that i don't bother being real with.

and listen — i have mars and venus in libra, in my 5th house. i am not somebody who gets off on arguing. i don't go out looking for fights, and tend to see everyone's perspective in difficult moments (even when i don't want to), and i stay calm for as long as possible during confrontations. in part this is because when my feelings get too strong, they come out of my eyeballs, even if i'm angry and desperate to make my points clear. (it's so fucking annoying.) but it's also because i do not like to argue.

and yet. being honest with people about what we want and need, what we believe and value, what we want to pursue and create and discover, how we make our choices, and what we no longer want to prioritize can bring up big emotions or lead to hurt feelings. learning how to navigate that intensity, alongside someone that we treat with respect and care even when we're mad, is a skill that anyone who values relationships needs to practice.

and this also goes for our tarot cards.

i impulsively posted on threads yesterday, asking people to tell me about the tarot cards that piss them off — and a lot of people answered. it was really fun to see which cards are the most consistently activating for people, and to give folks space to just say the irreverent thing.

and it was also a really good reminder that when we insist on smoothing out the rough edges of our readings, or only taking the "positive" aspects of certain cards while abandoning the more challenging interpretations that cards might offer, we really do ourselves a disservice in the long run.

i'm not saying that every tarot reading needs to make you cry, or activate every fear you've ever had, or call you out on everything you're tender about. but i am saying that sometimes it's okay to say "oh, fuck you" at your deck, laugh, and then dig into what the cards really want you to know. i am saying that sometimes the cards need a cleansing or a time out or a bit of a reality check. i am saying that sometimes we need to step back from our reading practices and take some time to think about what we actually believe about the cards. and i am saying that learning to be comfortable with the hard things that our cards might need to share with us will ultimately empower us to ask better questions, and be better at receiving true answers.

learning how to navigate conflict with people we love, building habits of listening and sharing and holding space and owning our mistakes — these are things that build real intimacy. avoiding conflict doesn't make our relationships stronger, and i would argue that it actually weakens them over time. it's the same with our tarot cards: learning how to sit with a difficult reading, recognizing where our practices or techniques might need some adjustments, or having space within your relationship with the cards to tell them what you need or what isn't working is incredibly important for building a deep, trustworthy, lasting connection with the tarot.

so how do we do it? tarot cards aren't people (i do know that, i promise), and while they have ways of communicating, it's not exactly the same as sitting down with someone we're arguing with and working through it together. so what are we supposed to do?

my preference, as it so often is, is to work with our cards outside of the context of readings — and to take it one card at a time.

if you wanna try this out right now, grab your tarot deck.

pick a card in your deck that drives you completely berserk. maybe it's a card that's been haunting you lately, showing up in recent readings constantly. maybe it's a card that you've spent a lot of time studying and still don't really feel like you understand completely. maybe it's a card that is consistently delivering a message that you never want to hear.

whatever card it is, find it in your deck, pull it out, and stare at it for a few minutes. what comes up? what are you feeling? what do you want to say to this card?

grab a journal, or turn on a voice note, and go ham for a few minutes. lodge your complaints, air your grievances – essentially, talk some shit about this card. write down or say anything you need to say about why this card is making you feel a little nuts, what you don't like about it, or why it feels activating. don't hold back, don't worry about pissing anybody off. just give yourself some space to be honest.

once you're done, stand up or move away from wherever you put all those feelings, and shake your body out. put on a favorite song and dance, do some deep breathing or some gentle stretching, scream into a pillow, massage your jaw — whatever feels good for you and your body, take a moment to release tension or let go of any stress that you were holding.

return to your reading space, and your card. leaving that single annoying card on your reading surface, shuffle up the rest of the deck and ask that card: what do you have to say for yourself? shuffle well and pull three cards as a response from that particular card. what comes up? take however long you like to reflect on the reading, and pay attention to how it feels to let that troublesome card tell you about itself.

it's okay if you said horrible things about this card. it's okay if the card said some ridiculous things back. this isn't about overhauling your relationship with the card entirely — it's about practicing making space for your feelings, honoring the friction you might be feeling, and listening to what the card has to say in return.

and if any part of this process made you laugh, even better.

don't have time for all that? here are a few tarot spreads to try:

a card you struggle with / a reason you struggle with it / something it wants you to know right now

a current challenge in your tarot relationship / something you can do to move through that challenge with your cards

a joy in your tarot practice / a frustration in your tarot practice / a great part of your tarot relationship / a not-so-great part of your tarot relationship / something to try next

your relationship with your cards gets to (and should!) evolve, shift, and transform over time — because you also get to evolve, shift, and transform over time. we are all learning more about ourselves every single day, and figuring out more about our needs, desires, fears, hopes, and intentions all the time.

if these kinds of insights and exercises feel really good for you; if you want the opportunity to complain about cards in real time with other tarot readers; if you're eager to build a deeper and more intimate relationship with the tarot, i'd love to invite you to join us on november 22nd for couples counseling: tarot edition. not only will you get an exclusive 20-minute lesson on writing your tarot story and identifying challenges in your tarot practice as soon as you sign up, you'll also walk away from our live workshop with a better understanding of your hangups around particular cards, as well as some strategies for navigating sticky moments with the tarot.

we're starting with the world archetype — but i'll be offering more workshops in this series on different cards throughout 2027. if you want to participate in all of these workshops, and get access to tons of other tarot resources to help strengthen your connections to the cards, join the hermitage and get every couples counseling workshop included in your membership.

regardless of whether or not you can join us for couples counseling, i sincerely hope that thinking about your tarot practice as a relationship — and all of the ups and downs that that includes — creates some space, nuance, compassion, and new intimacy in your readings.

sending you love, care, intention, and courage, friends.